I cleaned my room yesterday. It was a pretty big deal because I think the last time I cleaned my room I was in college.

Then this morning I woke up and I really wanted to read a book so I went on my mom’s amazon account (shoutout LaDonna) and I found a book and I downloaded it. I grab my kindle. Kindle is dead. NBD. Go to grab my charger. There is no charger.

So I tear my room apart looking for my charger. Charger is no where to be seen. I look everywhere.

While I’m looking for my charger I realize I have a lot of stuff I haven’t worn, read, used or thought about in monthsandmonthsandmonths. Some of it are things I’ve tricked myself into thinking I’m going to use again and some things have sentimental value even though it’s actually just junk (like a broken voltage converter I used to charge my phone when I was gallivanting with a fling in Europe, but it’s broken and I’m in America and he’s probably reading this like omg omg throw it away *sips tea anxiously*). I still need my Kindle charger.

I pack up all of my old stuff that I’m not using–all the stuff I’m saving but is ultimately useless to me. I put it in a bag (bags. I have lots of things.) and I get ready to let it all go. And when everything was packed and taken out and I return to my room I find my charger laying there in clear view.

HA! I didn’t.

I feel like in a book or a RomCom I would have had this cute little anecdote where I move on from all of the things holding me back and in the midst of it I find what I really need. And it would be like ahhh how symbolic. But I didn’t and it wasn’t. I just cleaned MY WHOLE DAMN ROOM for nothing. I even tore through my bikini box. Why would I look for my charger in my bikini box? Yeah I said it, my bikini box. Because I don’t have a dresser like a normal person, I put all of my things in boxes and hope for the best because I’m 25 and I don’t really have it together but I’m trying and this is irrelevant to what I’m blogging about so just stop because some people live perfectly functional lives without dressers that’s probably why the box industry is thriving.

Happy Sunday everyone, we don’t always get what we want or what we need. Not everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you just try and try and try and you don’t get your charger back. And you don’t learn a lesson in the meantime. And then you have to go to work tomorrow.

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Lately my friends and coworkers have been commenting about me losing weight. It seemed funny to me because I wasn’t trying anything differently. But I noticed today that my clothes have been totally fitting differently today and so I decided to take a look at my routine.

  
After a close examination I’ve realized it’s not my diet –I live off of bacon, wine and bread– but more like my frustrating dating life.
Life after college is hard. You move away from your friends, you begin a new job and a new life that’s totally unfamiliar. Then you throw in DATING like life isn’t stressful enough.

Oh and I live in LA so all the guys I know are gay. And I’m pretty sure all the guys I date are kindof gay too. And I was on a TV show in college and it’s all anyone ever wants to talk about on dates. Except for guys I date who are on reality shows and they always have something inherently wrong them hence why they support themselves doing reality TV.

There’s also an ad in this month’s cosmopolitan where I am literally quoted saying “I want a guy to take me seriously.” My dating life is actually this pathetic.


But I digress– we were talking about weight loss right? Right. So after a year of falling for guys who don’t swing for my team and getting strung along by hollywoods finest jerks I finally started channeling my anger for Los Angeles men/boys/both into running.

I live in a cute little area in Beverly Hills and I have a dating in LA playlist (mostly Taylor Swift and indie pop) and the combination both will keep me entertained for hours. i recommend this to anyone who has a frustrating dating life because I always come back feeling healthy and relieved and capable of taking on single life.  And I can fit into my high school clothes so it’s saving me tons of money in vintage Abercrombie and Fitch clothes!

Today I was thinking a lot about bravery. Because I dyed my hair blonde. And I’m awkward. I’m awkward and I dyed my hair blonde.

I kindof like it but the ombre starts too high up so it literally looks like my blonde highlights are growing out. People were probably so confused that I skipped by dying my hair blonde and flash forwarded to when it was growing out and needed a touch up. All day at the office I kept catching glances of it on reflective surfaces and questioned my decision. Everytime I made eye contact with someone, in my mind I wanted to yell IT’LL LOOK SO TRENDY WHEN IT GROWS OUT. But I just kindof smile or make a comment about the crazy weather we are having (it’s lightly drizzling). There was even a moment when I took deep breaths in a bathroom stall and then looked in the mirror and went outside and acted like I didn’t have half blonde half brown hair (that will look SO trendy when it grows out). This is bravery.

People tell me they admire my bravery of moving across the country. But that was easy– it was four days of sitting in a cool car and listening to audiobooks.. What is hard; what is brave? Bravery is going on a freaking first date. And having to impress this guy you think is cute and be charming and likable and tell stories that aren’t totally inappropriate all while he’s watching you chew. Brave are not the girls who sing out loud in the communal dorm showers or have ratchet facebook fights; those girls are confident and swim through life (albeit somewhat ratchetly). Brave are my sister awkward girls who face every day even though they spill things on themselves and can’t drive very well. Brave are the girls who stick it out even though someone caught them mumbling to themselves or they only shaved one leg. Hats off to you awkward girls.

Hey! I realized I haven’t updated in so long which is such a bummer because writing = love.

 

I have so many updates since my last post but I think I’ll spend this one on my time as an au pair a few months ago

After my show ended I had this abundance of time… and I hate abundances of time… So I thought “why not move to Europe.” But actually that was my exact thought process because I had just seen the one direction movie like five times with Anna and I had this fascination with Europeans.

I read this book about the glamorous lives of French au pairs when I was a pre-teen and decided that’s what I would do. I went to au-pairworld.net and applied to some families and found one that was a perfect fit.

It definitely wasn’t as glam as I thought it would be from my pre-teen genre book expectations–but that was kindof the beauty. I was thrown into Ourense, Spain barely speaking Spanish. It really opened my mind because I had to be creative to communicate with the locals….. and my host family! But everything about Europe is so vibrant and new and exciting! And I made some amazing friends that I got to explore Ourense, Vigo, Madrid and London with! (Although I never saw the 1d boys..)  And even though the complications and barriers were hard to overcome I became so happy with myself because I was able to overcome them.

During and after my trip I talked to a few girls who wanted to do the same thing. One just got home from Rome and another is in the south of Spain and I am so elated that I could help small town girls leave their confines and explore and experience Europe. We are young women in 2014 and we need to get out and see the world and different cultures. There is so much fun to be had and people to meet.

So basically what I really wanted to say with this update is that if anyone wants any help or information about becoming an au pair please just tweet at me. 🙂 I’ll see it and respond.

x Katie

Hey guys! I haven’t posted anything for a while because I had a really busy summer of downward spiraling after the loss of a friend and brief side swipe of reality stardom. But I thought I would update because I really miss writing! So if anyone was wondering where I am in my life right now here it is!

 

After probably the hardest summer I can remember I made a really last minute decision to take a semester off. I know I should have just gone back to school and restarted my life where I left off. I obviously didn’t give that huge decision as much thought as it deserved haha. So now I’m at home, babysitting and working at a bistro by my house and blogging.

The other day Anna and I didn’t have anything to do so we decided to go see the One Direction movie. There were only two other people in the theatre. They were middle aged and were not with a child… it was very strange. By the end of the movie we were completely sold on this new social movement otherwise known as Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson. (Louis is mine.) After the movie we both went home and then facetimed each other about how much we loved one direction. I actually took a melatonin because I was so excited I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t wait to wake up the next morning and run to my new 1D playlist. (I spent like $8 on iTunes wtf.) Two days later we decide to see the movie again. But this time we decided to sneaky drink and brought wine coolers into the theatre. like THIS IS WHO WE AREEEEEE….. we are two 22 year old girls this is NOT OKAY. But we actually HAD to see the movie. I honestly think Anna cried the second time we saw the movie. And I write this freely because I truly believe there is no way Anna is reading my blog right now because I can also safely say no one reads my blog.

Anyways I haven’t taken a break since the first time we saw the movie. I’ve been compulsively living, breathing, listening and tweeting about 1D it’s a fucking problem.

Moral of the story kids? Stay in school.

 

love you guys! But mostly Louis…

Katie

I’ve written this a million times in my head but now that I’m typing words I don’t know what to say.

I vividly remember when the little tufts of curls and cowboy boots also known as Ashley Whitt came into my life. I was goofy but quiet and so I was fascinated by the way she talked, the clothes she wore and the she could steal all the attention from the room and the room next. But the coolest part about her was she was so strong; if someone hurt her feelings she would hurt their facial tissue, if she lands on her head after riding a bull she just walks away. But last night I think I saw her a little bit scared.

 

Death is weird. There’s like this paradox where you lose something but it makes you heavier. It’s nonsense.

Before becoming close to Shain I was always very scared… I didn’t like driving fast and I didn’t like carbohydrates. But he lived a totally different muddy puzzle of a life. At first I didn’t understand; Frankly, I found him raw and frightening. But he made me do things all the time that scared me to death. It took a really long time but I’m not afraid anymore. He changed my life so much just by pushing me and honestly I don’t even think he knew he was doing it.

So by living simply and being strong I hope to carry on his sentiment. You are so missed, man, you have no idea.

Over the past week a lot of people have emailed me about having trouble getting over people. Many have also told me that they feel very embarrassed or pathetic about this. I decided to make a post to bring some of you guys some peace.

 

Embarrassed and pathetic? Oh please. In the age we live in we barely have to do anything for ourselves. We don’t need to make food if we are hungry: there are restaurants around every corner. We don’t need ANYTHING to be entertained: you don’t even need a TV to watch TV anymore. There’s normal TV, Netflix, Hulu, On Demand, HBO Go…. We don’t even need sun to get a tan anymore.

So getting to know someone, falling for someone and then getting over someone is the hardest thing a lot of us youngsters have to go through. It’s not like you can ask siri and she can erase a guy from our memories or our lives. Sure our parents and grandparents don’t understand, but they were busy walking three miles to school in the middle of a blizzard to feel the loneliness of a breakup.

So don’t feel bad if it’s taking you a little time to get over someone who you felt really close to. As long as you aren’t being crazy and driving past his house or calling him a million times, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

So what about if its taken you a looooooong time to get over someone? Sucks. I guess you’re just going to love them forever. Own it. Because sometimes it doesn’t go away. And that’s also something you don’t have to be ashamed of. I’m Italian. I love Italian food. But college has been hard on my body and I miss my size 2 jeans so I’m dieting. I was doing so well until I came home for the weekend and saw that dirty mistress, home made lasagna. I tried as hard as I could to resist it but I couldn’t because… I love it forever. I’m never not going to love lasagna. There’s a guy from high school who I’ve probably had one conversation with my entire life. Doesn’t matter, love him forever. I see him from time to time when we are home from college, love love love… love love love.

So to wrap this up: the next time you are feeling bad because you can’t get over someone just accept it and move on with the rest of your life. It could be argued that by still liking someone it could take away from other aspects of your life. But pasta salad still tastes dank even though I still like lasagna and trust me I still find the time to be in love with a ton of guys even though I still get butterflies when I see a guy I knew from high school.

I was really bored and tired on my plane ride home from Orlando and wrote this little guy haha. It’s kindof silly but maybe someone will like it haha.

If I could I’d make you harmless
Like dandelion days when we met.
Our erect guards in parents cars
Not knowing coldness yet.

If I could I’d make you restless
Like when you day dreamed with a pen.
Just sleepless bones and telephones
Refusing to let the distance win.

If I could I’d make you shameless
Like when you wouldn’t let me go.
Wishful voices and unrealistic choices
But that was a long time ago.

If I could I’d make you speechless
Like when I would walk into your sight.
But no matter where I go or who I know
Nothing will take those winter nights.

I went through the five stages of grief today. All from on my couch.

1. Denial I woke up this morning feeling fine. I got a nice start on the day at an uncharacteristic 8am. I checked my email, scanned the internet for a job, did some online homework. I knew what day it was… but it totally didn’t bother me at all. I even tweeted some sarcastic bullsh*t about how funny it was when single girls tweet about how they really wanted a valentine… guys think thats so attractive I said and I SNICKERED to myself.

2.Anger I soon grew frustrated. Whyyyyy don’t I have a valentine? I’m good looking! I have a good personality. I’m on a really successful reality show that got really good ratings this season! I don’t understand! I started isolating myself from my family… I found myself very irritated with my social networks (STOP ASKING ME IF THERES A SEASON TWO, THERES GOING TO BE A SEASON TWO, YOU HAVE GOOGLE USE IT).

3. Bargaining this is when shit started getting a little bit weird. I found myself having very strange thoughts about how I could go about getting my dream man. I frantically tweeted for collegiate athletes to follow. I bargained with myself that if I didn’t find a proper suitor soon I was going to resort to desperate measures and start dating who really sucked like a high school senior or an RA….

4. Depression and that’s when I found myself here. Sad. Alone. Snapchatting random fans. I think of my friends who have boyfriends. They are normal, pretty, well-adjusted girls. Where did I go wrong?

5. Acceptance No f*ck that, too soon, I’m still sad.

All of that because of a stupid holiday. I wasted a day of my youth LITERALLY sitting on my couch staring at the wall being really angry. This is why Hallmark is evil and social networking is overrated. No one deserves to deal with this. Love–or even just strong feelings for someone–is so awesome; so sacred. Think about it: what are the odds that you really really like someone and they like you back! Out of all the people you two collectively know you both like each other. It’s a freaking MIRACLE anyone ever dates. It takes time and it is f*cking unfair that the chocolate companies of America capitalize it at the expense of my self-esteem.

PS if Lloyd Dobler is reading this, where is my boombox?

Love, Katie!

A lot of people have emailed their questions and comments to me. I want you guys to know you can always feel free to do that! It’s katiesaria90@gmail.com you can always come to me with your guy problems, friend problems, outfit problems ANYTHING! 😉